Crushes

24 May 2025

Crushing, "liking someone" if the word crush is too immature. It is an inability to think of anyone other than that one person. They consume your thoughts, moreso with an idealised version instead of who they truly are.

I haven't had a crush on someone since my last break up in November of 2022. That's 2 and half years feeling a complete lack of romantic attraction after at least 10 years of always having a crush on someone. Feeling it now feels so foreign and almost sickening.

This boy, Jesse, I met him on the 10th of May and I immediately found him cute, or maybe I was just drunk. I told Kat and she asked her boyfriend Noah to ask Jesse what he thought of me. Apparently, Jesse also found me cute which was really where it all started. I denied that I wanted a romantic relationship, mostly due to anxities and general inability to socialise, but when offered to see him again 2 weeks later, I took it.

On the 23rd of May, a group of friends (including Jesse) and I went to vivid. Before going out, we drank and whilst out, we drank some more. We smoked cigarettes together and Jesse mentioned cigars being better. At Noah's house that night, Noah and Kat shared a bed which left Jesse and I to share the only other free bed. My stomach was flipping the whole night, bursting with butterflies and desperate that he might touch or cuddle me. Yet, that didn't happen. At one point in the night he did tap my leg and arm as if trying to find something, but said nothing and went on as if it never happened. At some point in the night he got shirtless which certainy surprised me as the sun started rising and I could actually see him.

My awkwardness throughout the rest of the day while with the group continued, but I did talk to him at times. I really don't know if he likes me. Maybe he's just playing it off, telling Noah he likes me more out of obligation than actual feelings. Crushes are difficult, and the butterflies still haven't left - 16 hours later.